Julie Vogler

At its core, coercive control is the systematic erosion of another person’s autonomy. It does not require malicious intent. It does not require conscious awareness. And that is precisely why it is so dangerous—and so normalized.

How Hurt Is Used to Avoid Accountability Note: We all have defensive strategies that surface when we feel exposed or ashamed. The difference isn’t whether this ever happens—it’s whether it becomes a pattern  that shuts down honest communication. When people hear the phrase “playing the victim,” they often think it means having emotions, being sensitive, or reacting to pain. That’s not what this is. Playing the victim is a covert power strategy —one that gains leverage by going one-down . It...

The problem is never the problem. It’s always the wound underneath. My birthday sits one week before Christmas. For most of my childhood, birthdays weren’t complicated. They were acknowledged in a normal way. Nothing dramatic, nothing fraught. I didn’t grow up associating my birthday with tension, fear, or disappointment. That came later. What did exist early on was my exposure to men who were uncomfortable being celebrated at all. One of the earliest versions of this dynamic existed with my...