Dispelling Assumptions About Dismissive Avoidants

'Attached' by Amir Levine is the standard on Attachment Theory—but the author himself admits Avoidants deserve more empathy

Dismissive avoidants are often misunderstood, their behaviors reduced to surface-level assumptions that fail to capture the complexity of their emotional world. These misconceptions are further complicated by frequent confusion with other insecure attachment styles, like fearful avoidant (disorganized) attachment. Pop culture often lumps avoidant behaviors together, spreading stereotypes that misrepresent dismissive avoidants’ true motivations.

While their self-protective strategies may appear cold, selfish, or even harmful, these behaviors are typically subconscious responses to a fear of vulnerability and emotional overwhelm. Unfortunately, this confusion and oversimplification lead to labels that not only misrepresent avoidants but also hinder meaningful conversations about growth and change. To foster empathy and deeper understanding, it’s essential to challenge these misconceptions and explore the reality behind dismissive avoidant behaviors.

Below is a list of some of the more common generalizations about dismissive avoidants that isn't completely accurate.

1. "Dismissive Avoidants Are Rational and in Control"

• How It Looks: DAs may appear confident, logical, and composed, giving the impression that they are rational and fully in control of their emotions and actions. Their ability to articulate thoughts and solve practical problems can reinforce this belief.

• Key Difference/Reality: While DAs often excel in cognitive awareness, they lack emotional self-awareness due to their tendency to suppress vulnerability and avoid introspection. This creates a disconnection from their deeper feelings, needs, and motivations. Their rational demeanor masks emotional blind spots, making it difficult for them to understand how their behaviors impact others or recognize patterns in their relationships. True self-awareness requires engaging with discomfort, which DAs often avoid to maintain emotional safety.

  
  

2. "Dismissive Avoidants Don’t Manipulate"

• How It Looks: Behaviors like withdrawal, stonewalling, and detachment may appear neutral or self-preserving.

• Key Difference/Reality: These behaviors can manipulate relational dynamics by avoiding accountability or steering interactions to reduce emotional discomfort. Though typically subconscious, they still shape the relationship in ways that serve the DA’s need for control and avoidance of vulnerability.

  
  

3. "Dismissive Avoidants Are Emotionally Cold or Indifferent"

• How It Looks: DAs might dismiss their partner’s feelings, avoid emotional discussions, or appear unaffected by relational conflict.

• Key Difference/Reality: DAs suppress emotions to protect themselves, not because they lack the ability to feel. Their perceived indifference masks an internal struggle with vulnerability and discomfort in processing emotions.

  
  

4. "Dismissive Avoidants Are Selfish"

• How It Looks: DAs prioritize their independence and autonomy, often at the expense of their partner’s emotional needs.

• Key Difference/Reality: What seems like selfishness is usually a defense mechanism to avoid feeling trapped or overwhelmed. Their focus on autonomy stems from fear of losing control, not a deliberate disregard for others.

  
  

5. "Dismissive Avoidants Are Narcissists"

• How It Looks: Emotional detachment, self-reliance, or a lack of responsiveness to others’ needs might resemble narcissistic traits.

• Key Difference/Reality: Narcissists seek validation and control, often exploiting relationships to bolster their self-image. DAs, by contrast, avoid vulnerability and intimacy to maintain emotional safety. The motivations behind their behaviors are fundamentally different.

  
  

6. "Dismissive Avoidants Love Bomb or Discard People"

• How It Looks: Partners might perceive early charm and later emotional withdrawal as love bombing followed by discarding.

• Key Difference/Reality: DAs rarely engage in intense pursuit or sudden devaluation. Their initial calm or charm reflects their ability to manage surface-level interactions. Withdrawal often occurs due to emotional overwhelm, not as a deliberate discard.

  
  

7. "Dismissive Avoidants Ghost as a Default"

• How It Looks: Some DAs may avoid confrontation by cutting off contact without explanation.

• Key Difference/Reality: Ghosting can be a way to sidestep emotional discomfort, but not all DAs use this tactic. Many DAs value loyalty and responsibility, choosing less abrupt forms of withdrawal instead.

  
  

8. "Dismissive Avoidants Don’t Want Relationships"

• How It Looks: DAs may avoid deep emotional intimacy or resist relationship progression, making it seem like they don’t want connection.

• Key Difference/Reality: DAs often desire relationships but fear the vulnerability and demands they entail. They seek partnerships that balance companionship with their need for independence.

  
  

9. "Dismissive Avoidants Are Unchanging"

• How It Looks: DAs may resist efforts to address relational issues, leading to the perception that they’re unwilling or incapable of change.

• Key Difference/Reality: While change can be challenging for DAs due to their discomfort with vulnerability, they can grow with self-awareness and supportive relationships that don’t reinforce avoidance patterns.

  
  

10. "Dismissive Avoidants Don’t Feel Hurt by Breakups"

• How It Looks: DAs may suppress their emotions after a breakup, appearing to move on quickly and without grief.

• Key Difference/Reality: DAs often experience deep hurt but cope by avoiding their feelings. Their apparent detachment masks their struggle to process emotional pain.

  
  

11. "Dismissive Avoidants Don’t Empathize with Others"

• How It Looks: They may dismiss or minimize their partner’s emotions, leading to a perception that they lack empathy.

• Key Difference/Reality: DAs are capable of empathy but struggle to express it. Their avoidance of vulnerability can make them seem emotionally unavailable, even when they care deeply.

  
  

12. "Dismissive Avoidants Are Emotionally Detached in All Areas"

• How It Looks: DAs might seem emotionally distant in their relationships, giving the impression they lack emotional depth across all aspects of their lives.

• Key Difference/Reality: Emotional detachment typically surfaces in romantic relationships, where vulnerability is most required. In other areas like work, hobbies, or friendships, DAs can be highly engaged and passionate.

  
  

13. "Dismissive Avoidants Are Predictable"

• How It Looks: Their avoidance patterns may seem consistent and easy to anticipate.

• Key Difference/Reality: While DAs follow certain relational strategies, their behaviors can vary depending on their values, upbringing, or level of self-awareness. This variation adds complexity to their patterns.

  
  

14. "Dismissive Avoidants Don’t Cause Harm"

• How It Looks: Their avoidance strategies might be interpreted as neutral or benign self-protection.

• Key Difference/Reality: While not intentionally harmful, behaviors like emotional withdrawal, dismissiveness, or deflection can cause significant relational harm. Their impact may erode trust and intimacy over time, even if harm wasn’t the DA’s intention.

  
  

15. "Harm Isn’t Abuse If It’s Unintentional"

• How It Looks: Partners might excuse harmful behaviors because the DA didn’t mean to cause pain.

• Key Difference/Reality: Abuse is defined by its impact, not its intent. Repeated patterns of emotional avoidance, neglect, or invalidation can be abusive, even if unintentional. Recognizing harm and taking accountability are essential for change.

  
  

Core Takeaway

• Dismissive avoidants’ behaviors are rooted in their fear of emotional overwhelm and a need to maintain autonomy, but these strategies can unintentionally harm others.

• Misconceptions about DAs arise from the surface-level similarity of their behaviors to traits like narcissism, selfishness, or manipulativeness.

• Understanding that harm can occur without intent—and that abuse is defined by its impact—helps to contextualize the relational challenges that often arise with dismissive avoidants.

• Emotional growth and change are possible for DAs, but they require self-awareness, emotional attunement, and supportive relationships that don’t reinforce avoidance patterns.

  
  

Dismissive avoidants often get misunderstood because their ways of protecting themselves can seem harmful or even toxic. Most of the time, they’re not intentionally trying to hurt anyone—they’re just overwhelmed and unsure how to handle emotional situations. But that doesn’t mean their actions don’t cause pain; they can still create real harm in relationships, even if it’s unintentional. The thing is, real change starts with accepting where someone is, and that’s true for both sides. Avoidants need to feel accepted to even try changing, but that starts with them accepting themselves. If the world has already decided they’re the villain, they’re never going to feel capable of growth—and who could blame them? No one is motivated to change when they feel attacked.